They drink matcha, dabble in photography and love Joan Didion. Meet the 'performative men' Charles Trepany, USA TODAY September 17, 2025 at 6:45 AM 2 They drink matcha lattes. They carry tote bags. And, in recent weeks, they've become an internet sensation.
- - They drink matcha, dabble in photography and love Joan Didion. Meet the 'performative men'
Charles Trepany, USA TODAY September 17, 2025 at 6:45 AM
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They drink matcha lattes. They carry tote bags. And, in recent weeks, they've become an internet sensation.
They're called "performative men" − and, even if you haven't heard of them yet, odds are you've seen one on your social media feed or in your local thrift store.
These are men who go to great (and often cringe-worthy) lengths to signal how sensitive, intellectual and emotionally attuned they are − without actually being any of those things. Think of the guys who have perfect vision but still wear glasses, wear only vintage clothing and clutch a copy of a Joan Didion book wherever they go. Their lives are basically a near-constant performance, all curated to show others − especially women − how enlightened they are.
The trend is "sort of appealing to the female gaze," one TikToker explains in a video, adding that the typical performative man "thinks he's not like other guys and that he's emotionally aware."
"There's been a shift from the alpha bro to a more chill, nice guy," the TikToker continues. "There is a trend for men to be more soft and fashion-forward."
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Turns out, the trend also reveals something deeper about the misguided strategies men, and all people, use to attract partners.
"There's interesting stuff to be said here from an evolutionary psychology approach," therapist Erik Anderson says. "The things that we believe and act out are often things that we're compelled to do for reasons that aren't apparent to us but might be apparent to people around us, which is where people are noticing this."
'Performative men' are everywhere. How did we get here?
Over the past month, TikTok has become flooded with talk of performative men. Parodies and impressions of these men have gone viral. There's even been performative men contests in person that have drawn huge crowds.
Though a silly trend, the performative men phenomenon, Anderson says, does hit on a deep truth about human nature: That there will always be a subset of people willing to engage in any behavior, no matter how ridiculous or inauthentic to them, so long as they think it will make them more attractive.
This is the heart of what it means to be a performative man. Instead of being themselves, these men are trying to be the type of person they believe others want them to be.
"It's a perfectly reasonable strategy to want to care about what you think women might want to see in you," Anderson says. "There's nothing inherently terrible at wanting to conform to what you think women would like in a man. But some of these guys really go far."
And the truth, Anderson adds, is that, for some men, this type of performance does prove successful as a mating strategy. After all, if being a performative man never worked, why would anyone do it?
"Some people even call this 'beta-male strategy,' where basically you try and befriend women and get into the friend zone," Anderson says. "One of the ideas here is this wouldn't be behavior that we would see in humans if it wasn't something that had worked over our ancestral history."
Are the 'performative men' here to stay?
People putting on performances in order to be deemed attractive and desirable has been happening since the dawn of humanity − and it's probably not something that will ever stop.
However, what these performances look like will likely shift as society's views and values do. As performative men become more a target of ridicule, these men will inevitably either drop the act or pick up a new one.
"If it becomes something that's socially lampooned − basically, if something's treated as extremely socially undesirable − suddenly you become an outgroup to a lot of people," Anderson says. "People are motivated to extinguish those behaviors that really identify them as an outgroup."
This goes for women too. Remember the rise of the "pick me" or "chill girl"? As more people mock that behavior, that performance will go by the wayside as well. And as these trends go out of style, hopefully people will start to bring more of their authentic selves into their relationships and all facets of their lives.
This article originally appeared on USA TODAY: 'Performative men' and what the viral TikTok trend means for dating
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